my life as a artist
first poo now spit
Friday 7th March 2008 10:38 PM
Shepherds pies rarely have shepherds in them, except, maybe, in the Todmordon area, but rather contain the object of the shepherds care and protection, i.e. sheep. Similarly, I expected bird's-nest soup to be made of eggs, or maybe even tiny little birds, and was very surprised to discover that it really is made out of bird's nests.
The nest in question is the home of the swiftlet, a small swift from South East Asia that fashions cup-like dwellings on the sides of cave walls. The swiftlet builds its nest like the swallow, but instead of using bits of mud, it uses its own spit, which hardens into a sort of semi-opaque plaster-board material. A nest takes about a month to build, and I don't know what sort of a percentage the bird's on, but I'm told that a kilo of it can fetch up to £5,000.
To be honest, I'd never really thought of spit as a food product before, not even in my famished years, but I was so impressed by the incredibly high price it commanded, and the fact that it was vegetarian, that I thought it might be worth experimenting with spit from different animals.
Although Jimmy the donkey and Poppy the dog would have provided an obvious, ready source of saliva, I was after something a bit classier, so, with Mark the farmer's permission, I've collected and dried about ten grams of chicken-spittle from some of the Old English bantams in the yard. It's been a tricky and time-consuming operation with mixed results.
On the one hand, as a food product, you can't get away from the fact that it tastes like dried bird spit, and I'm not convinced it's got much nutritional value either, but on the other hand, I've got much closer to the chickens, and because of it's novelty value, I managed to sell three grams of it to Greg-behind-the-counter at the newsagent, for fifteen quid.
The relationship with my flow of income from art and literature, or 'our Flo', as I like to call her, has always been capricious at the best of times, but last month we had a blazing row and she left me, and she won't answer her mobile. I said that I thought she lacked a sense of humour and was too materialistic, and she told me that she thought I was vain, selfish and lazy.
Then she smiled mockingly, and gave me a cheque from the Performing Rights Society. It was related to one of my songs, 'Eric Cantona', being played on a karaoke machine somewhere in Hong Kong, and was for two pounds seventeen pee, and in retrospect I wish I'd kept it and bought some sweets, but I was impassioned and wanted to make a statement, so I gave it her back and, rather childishly, suggested that she give it to Paul McCartney instead.
A man's got needs, and until I can win back 'our Flo', with a concerted display of humility, selflessness and hard work, it looks like I might have to go with another flow, and sell spit. I'll still keep writing the blogs, of course, and I promise that soon I'll try to do one that's not about waste body products.
Comments
Hello. Let's get acquainted!
My name is Jessika.
Posted by soophyWor , on Monday 7th April 2008, 12:24 AM
I reckon she's just not answering her mobile out of spite
p.s.validation word "miss"
and I thought I was a mrs.
Posted by littlesis , on Wednesday 12th March 2008, 9:55 PM
here's hoping you can go with the Flo again soon (I said)
Posted by Hith , on Sunday 9th March 2008, 7:56 PM
Okay, I've got so desperate for a Rory Motion blog hit, that I'll even settle for another one on body products. (What happened to Fate, Destiny and the rest, have they also tunred off their mobiles?) here's hoping you can go with the Flo ag
Posted by hippy in the horn , on Sunday 9th March 2008, 7:53 PM
Thank you for those 'gobbets' of wisdom..i.m eagerly awaiting the 'Easter special',Snot blog!
Posted by stevla , on Saturday 8th March 2008, 9:48 PM
Thank you for those 'gobbets' of wisdom..i.m eagerly awaiting the 'Easter special',Snot blog!
Posted by stevla , on Saturday 8th March 2008, 9:40 PM
Have you tried Divine Spittle? This elusive product commonly known as Salvia Divinorum would be right up your street.
p.s. validation word is 'happy'
Posted by John (aka Jono aka Jonault) , on Saturday 8th March 2008, 8:35 PM
Maybe you could write a song about it, a spitoon.
Posted by Les Miserable , on Saturday 8th March 2008, 5:01 PM
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