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Monday 2nd November 2009 10:04 PM

Pre-Columbian civilisations of Mesoamerica were much taken with the making of calendars, the most spectacular being the Mayan 'long count' calendar, an outrageous contraption of interlocking cogged discs charting a period of 5,126 years. The earliest Mayan calendars, however, were much humbler affairs, dealing with a year at a time, and usually of the simple, ring-bound, flip-over type, with each of the eighteen, twenty-day months illustrated by a view of the Lake District, or dray-horses.

The 'long count' calendar, besides marking bank holidays and the commencement of hairy dwarf porcupine hunting, also predicted astronomical alignments and eclipses, and even prophesied on the rise and fall of civilisations. The first date in this mysterious, spirographic almanac is August 11^th 3114 BC and the last is 21^st December 2012. There were four previous long count calendars, but this is the final one. According to the Mayans, the end of history is just over three years away.

Due to its thus far accurate track record, the calendar has provoked a lot of speculation as to the exact nature of what's going to happen on 21.12.12. Predictions range from instant heaven on earth to complete obliteration. Ray, my mechanic, who lives in Osbaldwick, and so should know a thing or two, says that the universe is an unfeasibly large Ford Venus Transit van, and on that day it's booked into Gods Garage to have its cosmic wheels galactically aligned. He reckons the improved vibrations will make it seem like a new van.

Of course, the established scientific community don't think anything's going to happen. According to the prevailing mind-set of social Darwinininnyism, the average ancient Mayan was 95% spider monkey, and therefore incapable of sophisticated scientific thought, but as Ray says, modern profane science is the bastard degenerate son of an ancient sacred science, that long ago perceived and embraced many dimensions of reality, including supra-sensory realms that lead into a higher integrative consciousness that is not anti-intellect, but transcends the intellect, and is within reach of us all. He's a great bloke, Ray.

It's a sad but not surprising fact that very few, if any, powerful Hollywood executives live in Osbaldwick, and take their cars to Ray. If they did, then I'm sure that their about to be released film, '2012', might have had more of a celebratory feel to it. From the brief trailer I saw, they appear to be going for the obliteration scenario. There's going to be tsunamis, satsumas, earthquakes, tornadoes, fireballs, loads of screaming, and Kevin Spacey. It's going to be horrible.

To ramp up the fear factor, the film is due to be released on Friday 13^th November. In an attempt to lure people away from the premiere, and promote a more optimistic vision of the future, I've organised a gig with the Travelling Libraries at The Winning Post, on the Bishopthorpe Rd in York. The evening will include a free game of non-erotic bingo with absolutely believable prizes. It will cost £5 to get in and starts at 8.30 pm and is in November, on..... Friday the Thirteenth. Don't be afraid. Don't be very, very afraid.