my life as a artist
where is the majesty
Saturday 3rd October 2009 10:29 PM
As an under-employed comic and struggling artist, I thought I'd take some time out to slag off other comics and artists who've had more commercial success than me. I've been a bit poorly recently, so rather than coming up with any new material, or painting some more painty paintings, I thought I'd vent some angst. I'm told that creatively done, it can be very beneficial to the auto-immune system.
Tracey Emin says, ''To all the people who think I'm not talented, I'm the only artist in history to do a book of 1000 drawings. Let's see them do it."
Obviously these are the end times, as prophesied by the I Ching, the Mayan calendar, that Women's Institute calendar, the Bible, and the Daily Mail, and when I lift my voice to the heavens and cry, 'Yes, Tracey, you did a thousand drawings, but they weren't very good, were they?' there's no reply, except for the lazy hum of a late-season wasp, called Rosie, getting lost in the curtains.
Rosie, by her size, stately gait and coat of burnished gold, is obviously a queen, and the way she moves her membranous forewings it's as though she's trying to say to me, 'I think Tracey Emin is a model not only of self-absorption, but of ignorance, exhibitionism, rudeness, ugliness, and vulgarity'.
I'm quite shocked by Rosie's stinging indictment, yet at the same time impressed by her fearless iconoclasm, and if she's still alive tomorrow I'm going to ask her opinion on Ricky Gervais. I heard him being interviewed by Mark 'normal' Lawson on Radio 4 this week, curiously, at the same time as I happened to be reading an article about him in the Guardian.
On the radio he's saying that even though he's a member of the national secular society, he thinks there're some good things about Christianity, especially forgiveness. He says that forgiveness is very, very important to him. Simultaneously, and quite deliciously, I read, 'When Private Eye editor Ian Hislop attacked Gervais's stand-up show Animals on Newsnight Review in 2003, Gervais thereafter closed each gig by calling Hislop an "ugly little pug-faced cunt"
Tomorrow, after a sturdy bowl of muesli, possibly involving fresh mangoes from Aldi, transported via Mozambique, hopefully by wooden hand-carts, I'm going to lift my voice to the heavens and cry, rather long-windedly,
'Painting pictures and making people laugh is my livelihood and art and comedy are my sovereign aims, so if Tracey Emin is my queen and Ricky Gervais my king, I ask you, how should one be noble and true in this wasteland, this bastard-usurped realm where dysfunction wears the crown?'
If Rosie the wasp is listening, I suspect she'll be less harsh on Ricky Gervais than she was on Tracey, mainly because she feels less threatened by him. Queen wasps are notoriously vain about their looks, believing that their petiole, the constricted region joining the first and second segments of their abdomens, gives them the appearance of having maddeningly slim waists. They consider bees, and probably Ricky Gervais, to be fat, hairy and oafish, and therefore no competition.
If, however, by some careful, cryptic juxtaposition of her metasoma and mesosoma, and a certain twinkling in her ocelli, she does express an opinion on my predicament, I reckon she'll say something like.
'Don't worry about Ricky Gervais, Rory. He's obviously much richer than you, and more acclaimed, but at the same time he's plainly unhappy and his best friend is Jonathon Ross. You've had a damn good whinge, now get on with it!', and because I'm worried that she'll sting me if I don't, I will.
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