my life as a artist
I've got flu babe
Saturday 2nd May 2009 12:29 AM
Recently, while travelling on crowded public transport, I've found that wearing a sombrero and sneezing a lot generally guarantees me a seat all to myself. I don't expect this situation to last long because either a) everyone will be dead or b) the whole thing will fizzle out to make way for the next media terror-fest.
In 2004 the same media was predicting 150,000,000 world-wide deaths from bird flu, and in preparation the British and US governments ordered 80,000,000 doses of a vaccine with the strange name of 'Tamiflu'. It sounds like something Barbie might catch if she was having too many late nights out with Ken. I think if I'd invented a vaccine, I'd call it something a bit snappier, like Maxine. Yes, Maxine the vaccine. It don't matter what you got, she cures the lot, she hits the spot, she's real hot, give her a shot!
Roche, the pharmaceutical company headed by Ken Barlow from Coronation Street, possibly, sells Tamiflu at $100 a shot, 10% of which goes to the company who designed it, Gilead, whose major shareholder and previous chairman is none other than the ex-US Minister of Offence, Donald Rumsfeld. I'm not suggesting anything here, of course, but in the words of Donald himself,
'Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know'
I know that I know that a known known for me is that I don't trust Donald Rumsfeld or pharmaceutical companies. I'm aware that 'conspiracy theorist' is a pejorative term within the Murdoch/BBC axis of truth, but after a certain amount of googling and reflection, both sober and completely smashed, I'd have to admit to being one. It's the same pleasure as doing crossword puzzles, except it's a bit scarier and you're unlikely to win this year's edition of the Chambers etymological dictionary.
As Hitler once noted, it's the biggest lies that are easiest to get away with, so I tend not to bother with the smaller conspiracies. There's a popular one doing the rounds at the moment that claims that Nigella Lawson and Russell Brand are actually the same person. It's fair to say I've never seen them on the same telly programme together, and as my mum says, 'they both think they're an ice cream and everyone wants a lick', but even if it turns out to be true, it's a mild diversion at best.
Of course a minor conspiracy always looms larger when it's on your own doorstep, or in my case, in my own garden, and I'm glad to say that the case of the disappearing fat balls has finally been solved. It wasn't a squirrel, and it wasn't Al Qaeda as Mrs Abercrombie said it was, but instead turned out to be a crow. I saw it do it. Mrs Abercrombie thinks the crow might be working for Al Qaeda, but I suspect it's more likely to be working for the squirrel.
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Posted by Les Miserable , on Monday 11th May 2009, 9:39 PM
Or ....
Its all right Ma, I'm only sneezing ...
Posted by tjj , on Thursday 7th May 2009, 5:01 PM
Oh, I forgot to add, I'm disappointed to know that it wasn't a squirrel making off with your fat balls because I hate grey squirrels as much as I dislike Piers Morgan.
Posted by John (aka Jonault aka Jono) , on Sunday 3rd May 2009, 6:43 PM
The hay fever season is upon us and I've noticed how people cover their noses and back away whenever I sneeze. I've realised that this is a great ploy to get to the front of any queue. I bet Ronald Dumsfeld would be proud.
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